i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
