You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
