I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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