He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
