dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
