so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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