i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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