"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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