youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
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