just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
