im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
