I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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