the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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