I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
