I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
