8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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