why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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