tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
