the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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