I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
