i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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