yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
She needs sedatives and a leash
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
