Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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