she woke up with a sticky ear
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
