he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i think i have herpe
just one?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
