Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
