An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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