So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
