and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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