I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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