I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Randomize
