Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
