Umm I'm too high to move.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
