I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
