you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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