i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
