Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
