do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
