i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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