Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
