So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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