Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize
