so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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