Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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