someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
