the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
