Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
