Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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