Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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