That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
This is my life. Enjoy the view
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
