I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She even gives head with a lisp.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
