Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
